How to Buy a Bicycle

 Summary
There appears to be rampant confusion in the minds of many consumers when it comes to the modern bicycle. There are many categories of bicycles and cycling. A myriad of technical advancements have resulted in a bewildering array of products available to the would be bicycle buyer. I thought I could share the insights I have garnered over the past 39 years of riding bicycles, and write a primer for the bicycle shopper.

Introduction
It is important to realize that the modern bicycle industry has carefully segmented different aspects of the bicycle riding experience. It is best not to blur those lines when participating in this sport.
 The main segments I will be discussing are; 1)Road Bikes, 2) Mountain Bikes (and the sub-segment of "29ers"), 3)Cross Bikes, 4)Hybrid Bikes, and 5) Comfort Bikes. I will not talk about triathlon bikes because those are not  real bikes. And I will not talk about fixed gear bikes because those riders don't buy new bikes.
 I will try to describe each type of bicycle and their uses. Then I may discuss how and when to ride each type of bicycle.
In future posts I will provide sartorial advice (because you don't want to look like a beginner), the proper attitude for each type of bike riding and what you are expected to drink at the end of a ride.

Road Bikes
   First and foremost, road bikes are light, and they have skinny tires. This is  because all "road cyclists" are racers preparing for a big race or for their personal best ride to Bogus Basin.

  The wheels on a road bike must have 18 spokes maximum in each wheel, preferably with a paired spoke pattern rather than a traditional interlaced spoke pattern. This is because these wheels look cool. If one of these spokes break, the cyclist will become a pedestrian, but that is a small price to pay.
  Unless one wishes to look like a beginner the road bike should be made entirely of carbon fiber. As many of the parts as possible, including the aforementioned wheels, should be carbon fiber too. The amount of carbon fiber is directly proportional to the road cyclist's credibility.

  Never under any circumstances should fenders or racks or bells or any type of bag larger than one needed to carry a spare tube be mounted to a road bike. Fenders would just look dumb, and if one needs to carry anything more than a plastic jacket and a Clif Bar, well that's what cars are for. The manufacturers of road bikes have made this rule easy to follow.... there is no room for fenders and no place to bolt on a rack.

  The handlebars must be at least 10 cm (that's centimeters and 10 of them are almost 4 inches for non roady newbies) below the saddle. This is so you can look like Lance. This is not comfortable but if you are not suffering then why are you riding?     

Road bikes may only be ridden on paved roads and never in the rain (because they don't have fenders, remember?)  And the rider must ride "out of the saddle" as much as possible. This is because they will look as though they are working hard.

  

Mountain Bikes
  A mountain bike has fat, knobby tires on 26" wheels (unless it's a "29'r") . A mountain bike has straight handlebars because these are uncomfortable (see section on road bikes and suffering), and because the brakes and shifters that the bike companies make for mountain bikes fit best on these handlebars.

  In general a mountain bike will have a "suspension fork" on the front and in some cases, rear suspension too. This is because mountain bikers are gnarly and they "rail' and "huck" a lot. And because most of the riding they do will be on life-threatening, extreme terrain with tree roots and boulders and cliffs.

  Again, as with road bikes, carbon fiber is important. Many parts like seatposts and stems and handlebars are made of carbon fiber. These are more heavier than aluminum parts, but they look cool and add credibility. More companies are now making mountain bikes out of carbon fiber now too. This is because when the bike is crashed or just falls over or when a rock hits it the rider gets to buy a new frame and the manufacturer gets to sell another frame. This is known as a "win-win" situation.

  Mountain bikes have 3 chain rings in the front and 9 cogs in the back. So this makes for a total of 27 possible gears. Except that two of the rear cogs cannot be used when in the smallest ring and two other cogs cannot be used when in the big ring, because the chain will be "crossed" and will rub on the front derailleur. So that still leaves 23 gears which is a lot. Except that probably 4 of those gears have identical ratios, which means they are the same gear. So 27 speeds is really 19. Two chainrings in front and 8 cogs in the rear can provide 16 useable gears, but if people knew that and were able to reason, the manufacturers would be unable to sell all the special mountain bike components. And that would be bad for them and for the global economy. So "27" gears it is! 

29"ers (or two-niner)

29'ers are mountain bikes with bigger diameter wheels. This is because a marketing genius (probably Gary Fisher) was smoking a joint one day and thinking about how to sell more bike stuff. In a revelation, he heard  "Put road wheels on a mountain bike. Call them 29'ers" And it worked. More stuff to sell. Hooray for joints!

Cross Bikes

  A cross bike looks like a road bike. There are a couple of tell-tale differences though. The cross bike will have slightly fatter tires and "cantilever" brakes. These brakes allow more clearance for the tires and for mud, because cross bikes have to be ridden in the mud.... at least sometimes.

  Cross bike means a cross between a road bike and a mountain bike, or a bike that is able to cross over from pavement to dirt, or a bike that can be ridden in cyclocross races. Take your pick.

  Cyclocross races were invented by men who were not very good road racers and who like to drink beer. And, because some of them are clever, they wear dresses while cross racing. (cross racing... cross dressing- get it?) 

  A cross bike may be ridden on the road occasionally but must be ridden on single track primarily (when not racing) Also, cross season is in the fall. So a cross bike may only be ridden from, say, October through the end of the year. And then only as training.

  If a bike looks like a road bike but has wider tires and doesn't have road style caliper brakes, and doesn't have suspension, but is not a two-niner, don't freak out. It still needs to have a label. Just call it a cross bike!

Unless it's a.......

Hybrid Bike

Hybrid (biology), the offspring resulting from cross-breeding of different plants or animals

Thanks to Velouria at Lovely Bicycle for this photo.

A hybrid bike has mountain handlebars and gearing but is not a mountain bike, although one could ride it on a trail, I suppose, but it's not as rugged as a mountain bike. Or one could ride it on the pavement, I suppose, but it is not as fast as a road bike. So, basically it's a bike that doesn't really do anything too well.

Hybrid bike  

Comfort Bike

This type of bike is called a comfort bike because when one sits on the bike in the bike shop, or department store it feels comfortable. It has a big cushy seat and the handlebars are up high so a person doesn't have to reach or lean over. Buy this type of bike if you don't really want to ride a bike but someone close to you thinks you should get one, or if you have made a new years resolution to lose a few pounds. It will get the person off your back and give you a warm fuzzy feeling. As if you are really going to stick to your resolution this time. This bike will hang in your garage and you will eventually sell it at a yard sale or give it to one of your relatives, because actually riding it is the opposite of comfortable.

                                                                          
Conclusion                                                                   
So that's about it for this primer. Just one last caution; it has come to my attention that there is a crackpot living in a cave in Walnut Creek, CA. promoting a so called country bike. These bikes are made out of steel! pshaw! Everyone knows steel is heavy. But he claims that this material is durable. So? (read section about carbon mountain bikes). These bikes will accept fat tires...with fenders! Why would you want that? You going to ride in the rain or something? These bikes are designed for a comfortable fit. We already know comfort is over-rated. These bikes can be ridden on various surfaces, including pavement, gravel roads and trails. This might tempt a person to explore areas which are in their own back yard, but to which they have never been. You would definitely want to ride them on these back roads, because you don't want your riding buddies to see you on one! Ha, Ha, Ha. Don't buy one of these.